Going Lower on the High Holidays

Today I clocked in 2 pounds lighter than last Friday. Down 12 pounds now in 2 weeks.

Go Team Me!

It's the first 2 week stretch of being pretty observant to the plan and I am feeling a lot better about myself and the progress I have been making.

Today begins Yom Kippur - the holiest day of the year for us Jews. As such, we begin a period of fasting.

Kinda hard to gain weight when your fasting, I guess - so I atone for all my misgivings - false starts - failed promises to myself and others and begin anew.

To all my friends and followers, I wish you all peace during this solemn day of reflection and thank you for your continued support.

Love,

Steve

Spin, Spin, Spin!

The scale continues to surprise me (more spin).

Hopped on for my one-week weigh in and was shocked to see a 10 pound loss.

Anyone who is connected to me on Facebook saw the pictures of the ribs, and only me and my conscience know about the peanuts at the Dodgers game, and the other little skirmishes that occasionally occurred thru the week.

Thrilled beyond belief.

It's a start. Already the jeans are fitting looser, the belt is one notch tighter and I feel like real progress was made.

When Truth is A Casualty: Believing Your Own Spin

When you are a veteran PR guy, as I am, the worst thing you can ever do is believe your own bullshit.

Before I stepped on the scale today, I played out this whole scenario in my head about what was an "acceptable" number to gain given I hadn't seen the doctor in several months.

Throwing out numbers like this is a dangerous game. Complete utter lunacy, actually.

But let's play it out here for a sec so you can see the way my sick little mind was working. I figured, it was over four months since my last visit, so 20 pounds was somehow ok.

Forget that I pulled that number straight out of my ass.

Forget that I had been promising myself I was gonna go to the doctor for weeks prior to actually mustering the courage to just go.

20 pounds became the acceptable gain.

As I hopped on the scale this morning, biting my lip and hoping the healthy crap I took when I woke ups would somehow matter when the final tally popped up on the screen, I knew I was fucked.

And then my deal with the devil - my 20 pound arbitrarily acceptable gain - gave me the easy out.

I only spiked 15. Well, hey now and Hallelujah!

Angels were singing. Cute little animated birds were flying around my smug smiling face and they were chirping.

In my mind, I had been spared humiliation because miraculously I was actually under what I thought I had packed on since April.

"Wow, not as bad as I thought," I told the nurse.

The only victim here is truth.

In reality, I am up closer to 35 pounds since my low. And if that's not depressing and infuriating to me, nothing is. I have fallen for my own hype. Whatever will power and resolution I once possessed has given way to weakness.

If you look back on the blog, you can count the number of posts in recent months that proclaim, I am back and I'm better than ever.

Well, I'm back, warts and all. Trying to find my way thru this mess. The pledge I have made to my, myself and I, is to try to lose much of what I have gained these past months by my birthday - October 24th.

It's a lofty and ambitious goal and one I can meet if I truly focus on my eating and exercise with the same strength and conviction I had back in February of 2009.

So,  time to stop spinning and start all over again.

The Return of the Fling

Tomorrow I head back to the Doctor after a long absence.

I keep starting and stopping and promising myself I will be good tomorrow but tomorrow becomes next week and next month.

Been putting this off way too long. It's been 4 months since my last face to face with the team and I really don't want to face the music, but at a certain point, it's playing way too loud.

This has been a bad fling.

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

Wow, that spiral staircase takes a long time to navigate when you are going down, down, down.

Why the fuck did I work so hard for so long only to throw it away so quickly?

I sat in a room of colleagues today cavalierly downing pizza. Then I went to the movies with Hannah where it was a bag of popcorn. Then to dinner for sushi and menchis for dessert.

What has happened to you, Elzer?

Get a grip, man!

Back in the saddle again

I lost 7 1/2 pounds last week. Probably the first time I have lost weight in months! Feels fucking fantastic to be back in the saddle again.

I will post a bit more later... should have offered this update days ago.

The Dark Days of the Diet and the U Turn Towards Tomorrow

When you have been ambling kind of rudderless and you know you are off course, there is something incredibly powerful about grabbing that keel and pointing the boat in the right direction. For the first time in a long time I feel like the wind is at my backslide.  Finally,  I am heading towards the routine that made me feel so good about myself last year.

Case in point: today. Instead of meeting a friend in Vegas for the Wine Spectator's Grand Tasting gala, which is an annual event I try to attend,  I am home with my family.  Sure, it was a fantabulous excuse to have a buddies weekend in Vegas eating, drinking and gambling, but when my friend started waffling over whether we should go, it was just too easy to duck out and stay the course that began earlier this week.

Last night, as we celebrated our anniversary, I convinced Amy that we should just remain home where I could cook a nice healthy meal.  Now I know a guy should put some energy into celebrating a momentous milestone like  15 years of marriage, but we really had a good time just hanging out at home.

Thru the week, I backed the attack with home cooked meals at work. I went to the gym a few times. I started drinking lots and lots of water. All the staples of my program. Nothing bold. Nothing daring. Just familiar basics.

Was I perfect? No. But it has been months since I have felt like this and already I am feeling a difference physically and mentally.

How did I veer to a place I vowed never to see again? It started slow with baby steps and pre-cheats that became a gateway to unsanctioned eating. I recall one day going into the lunch room at the office where there were stacks of pizza boxes left over from an office meeting. It didn't matter that I had already eaten lunch just moments before. The boxes beckoned. I found a slice of margherita and tore into it with some ravenous delight. Instead of quickly jamming the pizza down my throat in some crazed sneak, I boldly sauntered into the hallway - slice in hand - where I bumped into a colleague.

I am sure he thought - "What is Elzer doing with pizza in his hand?" But I shot him a look that said "Don't fuck with me. I wanna be bad."

And that attitude that began as delicate little tastes and polite little bites evolved into a mini-collapse of the mentality that helped me drop 130+ pounds.

The difference these days is that normally I wouldn't slap myself into submission until I had gained all my weight back and then some.  I was able to catch myself relatively early in the relapse. I think more than anything else it is because I saw most of the family echoing my behavior and I didn't like where it was going. In truth, it was Amy who was leading by example. She never abandoned going to the aerobics classes the way I just cut off going to the gym. As a result, I think she maintained her loss best thru what I will affectionately designate as the dark days of the diet.

I dunno what will happen next. Lots of stuff is going thru my head. Each day is a challenge. Today we go to the movies. I want popcorn. I want to have that instant gratification of wanting what i want when I want it. But I just can't live that way. Others may have the metabolism to handle those desires. I am not that fortunate.

So I have to build up, once again, an ample reserve of attitude that allows me to beat down that wanton lust for won ton or popcorn or whatever tasty treat is tempting me in the moment.

If the last few months have taught me anything, it is that this fight will be lifelong and it will have victories and defeat.  I wish it was more stable but it isn't. Never has been. Never will be.

Copyright, 2010, Steve Elzer. All Rights reserved.